Because I Said So

I was laying in bed. 

Wallowing. 

Wallowing in self pity, sadness, anger, frustration, even a bit of loneliness.

I throw a mean pity party. Silently crying beside my husband as he slept, I struggled with whether or not to wake him up to hear my thoughts. Ok, whines. 

I thought better of it knowing a lot of what I'm thinking and feeling isn't right. Isn't healthy, isn't even particularly Christian. Then I remembered there was someone I could talk to. 

God.

Remember when you were little and your parents told you to do something?

"Go, clean your room." 

"Brush your teeth."

"Don't ride your bike in the street." 

More times than not we answered these commands with a childlike, "Why?"

Then the ever frustrating response followed, "Because I said so." 

I remember thinking that I was never going to say that to my children. I would explain my reasoning. I would foster a relationship with them where they could ask why and get an informative response. Not just a parental declaration. 

And then I had kids. 

After the one thousandth time telling my children to do something my children will often times ask me why. I then simply feel burnt out and I'm sure you can guess my all too oft response. I look them straight in their eye and tell them, "Because I said so."

So, tonight when I finally turned to the One I should have turned to days ago, I asked Him questions. 

Hard questions. Hurt filled questions. Questions I wouldn't feel at liberty to ask other people for fear of their opinion of me. 

Including, why me? Why Levi? Why are my arms empty? Why do I feel ok and at peace one day and not the next? Why can't my girls have a baby brother? Why do I have to teach them about heaven already? Why? Why? Why? 

After pouring out my hurts and questions I heard Him answer. 

Because I said so.

I don't answer my girls questions of why with that phrase because I have no reason. I don't throw that response out arbitrarily. I have a reason for asking them to do said task. The same way our parents had a reason for asking us to obey their requests, 

Just because that is my response to my girls, doesn't mean there isn't more of a reason for my instruction. I don't tell them every time they ask they have to brush their teeth so they can help fight gum disease, cavities and bad breath. I don't tell them every time they ask why that they have to hold my hand in the parking lot because cars don't always watch for little girls or strangers may like to snatch them. 

Sometimes I just answer, because I said so.

Same thing with God. He doesn't always give me the answers I need. But that doesn't mean there isn't a good one behind it. 

I know a lot of things about God. 

He loves me. He has plans for me with a hope and a future. He will never leave or forsake me. He is with me. He gives me peace that passes understanding. He hears me when I call. He builds a mansion for me in heaven. He walks with me through the valley of the shadow of death. He loved me so much that He gave up His Son for me. 

I may never know why I had to say goodbye to Levi. I don't even know if I will ever "get over it" or if I even want to. But I can trust that God is in this. I trust that He will see me through and that He will be my refuge and my strength. 

I know all of these things because He said so.